BirdBox
Available via Deliveroo
FAKE news alert: This column may be called ‘Eating Out’ but the next 600-odd words describe nothing of the sort. Well, the ‘Eating’ bit is right, but the ‘Out’ was much more ‘In’.
So, while you won’t be treated to a description of my kitchen decor (if it makes you feel better to imagine it’s all exposed brick and filament lightbulbs like every restaurant to open in the past half-decade, be my guest), at least know that the service was unfailingly cheerful and smiley. See the picture up there next to where it says ‘Eating Out’ for an example.
But the fakery doesn’t end there. You see, BirdBox sort of doesn’t exist. After stumbling across it on the app for home delivery behemoth Deliveroo, and never having heard of it, a few clicks revealed, well, not very much.
The picture: Lots of cheese and unidentifiable toppings slathered over breaded chicken, some of it in the form of burgers.
The guff: “Brimming with a warm southern welcome and a menu that’s sure to make your mouth water, BirdBox has an exceptional range of lip-smacking chicken options. Prepare yourself for a piece of the Deep South with a twist.”
The tasteless nomenclature: It’s named after a film with Sandra Bullock and her kids running around in blindfolds as malevolent spirits drive anyone who sees them to suicide. Lovely. Have a goujon.
The location: No idea. The ‘view map’ option produced ‘no results’. It was a riddle, wrapped in bacon, apparently inside a box.
A little more digging revealed, right at the bottom of the warning that if you’re allergic to anything you probably shouldn’t bother ordering from here – wherever ‘here’ is – that “BirdBox... is a virtual brand of Frankie & Benny’s.”
A virtual brand? Will I end up with holograms of chicken nuggets for my tea?
These virtual brands, it turns out, are all over delivery apps like Deliveroo. The group behind Frankie & Benny’s also operate Stacks burgers, while more and more casual-dining overlords are offering the same food from the same kitchen with just a dash of alternative marketing to differentiate it.
As more and more consumers take an interest in exactly where their food has come from – all the way back to field it came out off or who its granny was – ‘no results’ on Google Maps doesn’t exactly scream traceability.
The bird that actually comes in the box is pieces of chicken – ‘Nashville Hot’ allegedly – but really under a thick cayenne pepper/barbecue sauce combination that’s actually quite good. It’s got a little smoke and a lot of sweet heat, but without the vinegar tang you expect and want, though helped along with ribbons of pickled gherkin.
The grilled chicken is dry. Which is probably what you deserve when you order something with a vague notion of it being a bit healthier – then get it slathered in cheese.
The breaded burger is much better. Well-cooked, moist, and to disabuse any notions of healthiness, dripping in blue cheese. It’s massive too, which goes some way to explaining the £8.49 price tag, but not all the way.
That’s in keeping with everything. Desserts – a salted caramel cheesecake and a fudgy chocolate cake – are both decent supermarket fancier-own-brand-level desserts, but they’re £4.50 each, not far off what you’d pay sitting down somewhere with all sorts of overheads to cover and enough interest to throw a bit of yuzu or Space Dust at your pudding.
Chicken wings are decent on the inside despite far too much sugar in that hot sauce, leaving them a bit too charred on the outside.
Onion rings and sweet potato fries – neither built for transportation much beyond fryer to plate to mouth, are entirely fine despite that.
It also took an absolute age to arrive – more than an hour late – though perhaps the poor old delivery driver understandably couldn’t find somewhere that may or may not actually exist.
To be fair, it didn’t taste like it had been sitting around and it was mostly better than you’d expect from this sort of stuff – the type of thing you’ve eaten after a night out that you’re pleasantly surprised still tastes pretty good while stone cold sober.
But it’s pricey enough that that’s the least you should expect. Whether you’re eating in or out.
THE BILL
Blue cheese burger £8.49
Nashville hot chicken £5.99
Chicken wings £3.99
Cajun Fries £2.49
Sweet potato fries £2.99
Onion rings £2.49
Blue cheese sauce £0.50
Katsu curry sauce £0.50
Ghost chilli sauce £0.50
Cheesecake £4.50
Fudge cake £4.50
Coca-cola zero x2 £3.40
Delivery fee £2.50
Service fee £0.50
Total £43.34
